Going to work with a super heavy PCOS period feels like the universe’s way of telling me I’m worthless and don’t deserve happiness.
It’s hot, I have period cramps, I’m grumpy and a jerk and I have cravings for everything and I spend too much money on a consistent basis and I make Michael take me places and I need to get my license but I’m too fat and short for 80% of cars ever and I miss not having bills and I want to be 14 again without the crushing depression and abusive ‘father’ and I wish it was fall but my hair and face look relatively good today so I guess it wasn’t a total loss.
Finding relatively affordable clothes in my size online and then closing all 20 tabs I had open because buying clothes online as a very fat woman is a big fucking gamble and hassle, especially when it comes to bras (it’s literally a boob holder and you want me to spend 1/3 of my paycheck on it!?!?) and I just get so upset and frustrated. I deserve to have clothing options that fit me and that I can afford and just FUCK ‘plus size’ clothing companies that use size 4 women to model size 34 shirts
I’m so fucking tired of it
I’m really high, cute (with a bunch of our stuffed animals on our dresser), hot, fat, and horny tonight. In case you forgot that I love being fat, that I love my body, and that my Noodle is hot as fuck. Just thinking about how much I wish he was here gets me like this. (Feedist fetishy part next:) Thinking about him makes me remember how hot it is that I’m over 50 lbs heavier than I was when we met 2 years ago…fuck, it’s making me wet. Unfff.
I miss xanga.
So I just slept for ten hours and I woke up really awfully sweaty and called off of work. I feel so weirdly weak and hungry-but-not-hungry-because-tummy-aches and I guess I was having nightmares because the inside of my cheek says I was grinding my teeth but I don’t remember them that well so yay! I slept more today than I have the past 3 days combined. But I slept on my back and now my back is super stiff. My suspicions that I have the flu seem very plausible. :/
Who wants to come cuddle me and make/bring me food and tell me I’ll be okay?
There are so many tattoos I want and it’s so hard deciding which ones to get, and when, and where on my body, and what tattoo artist to go to, but it’s been 10 months and I NEED ONE
I used to know what I wanted in life
and it wasn’t this,
but it wasn’t not this,
and I’ve listened to songs that make me
break into pieces,
tears flowing from a recessed pool
deep in my chest, hidden
until I allow myself to feel -
I’ve read novels that open my
lungs to breathe fresh
air into the acrid numbness
of my heart
and I push it all out,
hold my breath until I’m blue,
clear my head until I’m calm,
I regress into the numb
and I can’t find a day or moment
in the corners of my memory
when I decided - but I did -
that surviving was enough
because being alive after what I’ve
been through is
a gift in itself
but I can tell you it scares the hell out of me
to think of a life where
I let myself feel:
I kinda (super) am still in love with my Harry Potter tattoo. The lines are wonky because my calf muscles are flexed and there are 3 pretty large scars that have been covered up by the tattoo. But I’m so happy I got it. And now I’m getting to the point where I really want my next tattoo. I want it to be House related (as in the TV show) but there’s just so much to try to think of…
I’m not sure why, I just haven’t felt like being on tumblr lately. :/ My mom, aunt, and cousin are bringing me the rest of my belongings and visiting from tomorrow to Friday so I’m reverting to night sleep at the moment. I’m sorry to everyone that I (still) haven’t responded to yet. I’ll get there, don’t give up on me. See you all kinda scarcely for a while…
It’s a little after 10 am.
I’ve been playing AC:NL since yesterday (if you want my friend code, let me know!)
The ribs on the grill are almost done.
It’s lightly drizzling in one of those lovely soft chilly spring morning ways where the robins and sparrows and chickadees are singing love songs to the sky.
I made my mom’s pasta salad (special ingredients: extra sharp cheddar, pepperoni, and chick peas).
And best of all, I don’t work tonight.
I can get blazed as fuck.
Today is a good day. =]
To all who have sent me a message lately: thank you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t replied yet. I want to give thoughtful responses to each of you, but I’ve been busy cleaning the apartment and assembling things and working and just trying to have energy in general. I’ll get back to you soon, I swear. I hope you all have a great day! (That includes you, no matter if you sent me a message or not. Unless you’re a gross creep or a hate blog. In that case, go the fuck away forever.)
Day 1 of spring cleaning is going mostly okay. I’ve gotten 3/4 of the bedroom done (the other 1/4 is Michael’s clothes and the bed) and about 2/3 of the kitchen done but I’ve been at it for 4 hours and my spoons are depleting fast. I’m taking a little That 70’s Show break and then getting back to it. I’ve got a weird craving for peach tea and bratwurst. I want summer.
I have to wake up in 4-ish hours and I can’t get sleepy.
My neck hair has been growing at an annoying pace lately and I hate shaving it.
I have a pimple or zit or ingrown hair on my neck that sits right in one of the folds of my neck that occur when I’m bending my neck to do things like look down or lay on my pillows and it’s been there for 2 weeks. It doesn’t hurt, but it draws attention to my stupid neck & neck hair :/
My thighs have been aching lately, mostly at bedtime, and I can’t figure out why.
Money and taxes. I won’t digress at the risk of writing an actual novel.
I need to schedule an appointment with a doctor, but I haven’t been to an actual doctor in years (just clinics for stuff like sinus infections) and I HATE starting out with new doctors. They never spend enough time with me to really listen to my health history and always just focus on my weight, regardless of how good my blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels are.
I have about 30 shirts and a few pants and skirts that don’t fit me anymore (some I’ve had since I was a sophomore in high school) and they’re all in great condition, but I’m not sure if anyone will want/buy them.
On the same note, I only have about 9 non-work shirts, and some of them are getting small.
My mom, cousin, and aunt are visiting in a couple weeks so we have to clean the apartment, but this paycheck is basically going to pay for local income taxes for the past year that I didn’t know about, so Michael is covering at least a quarter of my rent/electric/Internet expenses for this month, plus extra stuff like food and cleaning supplies. I hate when he has to use his money to help with my fuck-ups. :/ I’m so lucky to have him. I’d be hopeless (and homeless) without him. I hope our cleaning and my family visiting won’t stress him out too much.
My depression isn’t treating me well lately, which is another (new) doctor I should make an appointment with. Ugh.
Our toilet has an internal leak but the part that we think needs replaced is old (like, 80’s old) and even though we don’t pay for water, I hate wasting it.
There’s a position open at work that would pay an extra dollar an hour, and would take me to full-time. But it would be five days in a row, and my feet, hips, and back are killing me as it is. I need the extra money to get out of debt from college loans/etc. but I hate this job as it is. I really want to get out, not go up. That seems like an impossibility for anything but the distant future, though.
I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. All this stress is just eating away at me and I find myself daydreaming about the worst months of my life (in bed 18 hours a day, not really eating, addicted to Vicodin, smoking…other bad stuff.)
Tl;dr, I’m not doing too good. :/ I need some help and stress relief.
I was with Michael at our local library and looking through a lot of vampire romances and werewolf romances and midlife crisis romances and westerns and the endless cookie cutter insert-a-name/color-by-number ‘mystery’ and ‘horror’ books (don’t get me wrong - these can all be great reads) and I just got frustrated because I noticed the first time I was there, but it’s become infinitely more obvious every time I’m back - there’s no YA section in this library. There’s a little kid’s section, and a religious fic section, and a large-print section, and a graphic novels section (which is definitely not bad, but not what I’m looking for when I want to just read a book) but no YA in sight. YA novels always just have so much meaning in them. All of them that I’ve ever read tackle subjects that are hard - but necessary - to deal with. ‘Adult’ fiction that I’ve read - especially lately - is good, but it just feels like a story. It doesn’t get to me in the same way.
I like the books I read to punch me in the heart.