Made a headband for a future baby today. Michael’s mom is going to a baby shower. She asked if I’d like to go, but I’ve never even met the mom, so I thought I’d just make a thing as a gift. It’s not amazing, and since I’m bad at seed stitch (and knitting in the round) I messed up the pattern in a small spot, but it didn’t take me too long, and I think it’s cute anyway. And it’s machine washable, so there’s that.
Happy birthday to me! I’m 22 today! I got some color put in (and re-put in) my tattoo today and I started falling asleep while she was doing it. It looks so good so far…the hot air balloon colors are incredible. I always forget how intense solid color is though. I am sore and exhausted and I am considering taking a 4-day weekend from work…but then I’m going to do it next weekend too, flying back to NY. And I’ll need the money on that paycheck. Ugh. I wish there was something I could do at work that wouldn’t risk harming my new beautiful color. :/ I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I haven’t called off in about 6-ish months, so I wouldn’t feel bad about it. But anyway! I’m off to bed. Pictures will be up in the next couple days of the current progress. =]
Going to work with a super heavy PCOS period feels like the universe’s way of telling me I’m worthless and don’t deserve happiness.
It’s hot, I have period cramps, I’m grumpy and a jerk and I have cravings for everything and I spend too much money on a consistent basis and I make Michael take me places and I need to get my license but I’m too fat and short for 80% of cars ever and I miss not having bills and I want to be 14 again without the crushing depression and abusive ‘father’ and I wish it was fall but my hair and face look relatively good today so I guess it wasn’t a total loss.
Finding relatively affordable clothes in my size online and then closing all 20 tabs I had open because buying clothes online as a very fat woman is a big fucking gamble and hassle, especially when it comes to bras (it’s literally a boob holder and you want me to spend 1/3 of my paycheck on it!?!?) and I just get so upset and frustrated. I deserve to have clothing options that fit me and that I can afford and just FUCK ‘plus size’ clothing companies that use size 4 women to model size 34 shirts
I’m so fucking tired of it
I’m really high, cute (with a bunch of our stuffed animals on our dresser), hot, fat, and horny tonight. In case you forgot that I love being fat, that I love my body, and that my Noodle is hot as fuck. Just thinking about how much I wish he was here gets me like this. (Feedist fetishy part next:) Thinking about him makes me remember how hot it is that I’m over 50 lbs heavier than I was when we met 2 years ago…fuck, it’s making me wet. Unfff.
I miss xanga.
So I just slept for ten hours and I woke up really awfully sweaty and called off of work. I feel so weirdly weak and hungry-but-not-hungry-because-tummy-aches and I guess I was having nightmares because the inside of my cheek says I was grinding my teeth but I don’t remember them that well so yay! I slept more today than I have the past 3 days combined. But I slept on my back and now my back is super stiff. My suspicions that I have the flu seem very plausible. :/
Who wants to come cuddle me and make/bring me food and tell me I’ll be okay?
There are so many tattoos I want and it’s so hard deciding which ones to get, and when, and where on my body, and what tattoo artist to go to, but it’s been 10 months and I NEED ONE
I used to know what I wanted in life
and it wasn’t this,
but it wasn’t not this,
and I’ve listened to songs that make me
break into pieces,
tears flowing from a recessed pool
deep in my chest, hidden
until I allow myself to feel -
I’ve read novels that open my
lungs to breathe fresh
air into the acrid numbness
of my heart
and I push it all out,
hold my breath until I’m blue,
clear my head until I’m calm,
I regress into the numb
and I can’t find a day or moment
in the corners of my memory
when I decided - but I did -
that surviving was enough
because being alive after what I’ve
been through is
a gift in itself
but I can tell you it scares the hell out of me
to think of a life where
I let myself feel:
I kinda (super) am still in love with my Harry Potter tattoo. The lines are wonky because my calf muscles are flexed and there are 3 pretty large scars that have been covered up by the tattoo. But I’m so happy I got it. And now I’m getting to the point where I really want my next tattoo. I want it to be House related (as in the TV show) but there’s just so much to try to think of…
I’m not sure why, I just haven’t felt like being on tumblr lately. :/ My mom, aunt, and cousin are bringing me the rest of my belongings and visiting from tomorrow to Friday so I’m reverting to night sleep at the moment. I’m sorry to everyone that I (still) haven’t responded to yet. I’ll get there, don’t give up on me. See you all kinda scarcely for a while…
It’s a little after 10 am.
I’ve been playing AC:NL since yesterday (if you want my friend code, let me know!)
The ribs on the grill are almost done.
It’s lightly drizzling in one of those lovely soft chilly spring morning ways where the robins and sparrows and chickadees are singing love songs to the sky.
I made my mom’s pasta salad (special ingredients: extra sharp cheddar, pepperoni, and chick peas).
And best of all, I don’t work tonight.
I can get blazed as fuck.
Today is a good day. =]
To all who have sent me a message lately: thank you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t replied yet. I want to give thoughtful responses to each of you, but I’ve been busy cleaning the apartment and assembling things and working and just trying to have energy in general. I’ll get back to you soon, I swear. I hope you all have a great day! (That includes you, no matter if you sent me a message or not. Unless you’re a gross creep or a hate blog. In that case, go the fuck away forever.)