I desperately need a way to forget how good my addictions felt because I’m missing them a lot more lately. :/
Today I learned that if you wake me up during the middle of a confusing dream, I will continue to have it and babble about stuff like squash?????? And then when you laugh at me I get scared and realize I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about and start to cry and think I’m hallucinating or something and now that I’m fully conscious roughly six hours later I’m just looking back at the whole experience mystified.
B) my regular appetite back
C) mental well-being
D) a living wage so that work doesn’t feel so pointless
E) people to share in the Halloweeny mood
F) people to share cupcakes and cookies with
and G) some hugs from my family.
God, paranoia and auditory hallucinations are the fucking worst. I get so afraid that nothing is real, or that if it is, something terrible is going to happen soon. Words and experiences stop making sense, I hear things I know aren’t real, I start needing to sleep with lights on. It’s been bad again lately. :/ I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until it goes away, but I don’t want to be alone. I need a doctor, but I don’t want to go through the time and energy and willpower-suck that is looking for one who will listen to me or treat me with respect.
I miss my little sister. :/
but I have had gas for the last six or seven hours. I don’t remember ever having farted this much. I feel like I don’t even have a stomach any more. It’s been replaced with methane.
I went to Michael’s grandparents’ house today to go meet his great aunt and uncle who were visiting from California. Michael has to work tonight, like almost every other night, so he didn’t get to go.
I know that family is often fucked up (oh god, do I) and that a lot of bullshit is kept behind closed doors. But I find myself loving these people, and even without him there as a safeguard, I felt good. I honestly feel like I’m loved. They don’t treat me like their grandson/nephew/cousin/brother/son’s weird super-fat girlfriend.
They treat me like family, and I can’t explain how much I miss that. I think I’m starting to really feel like I’m home. =]
I was tagged by nanabobo567! =]
1. I’m not sure it’s ‘happy,’ per se, but Anberlin’s music, especially their Cities album, makes me feel like myself. I love it all the time, but especially whenever I’m experiencing depersonalization or derealization whatever, it helps me feel real and remember that I - and the things around me - exist.
2. Food! Making it, sharing it, eating it…if I had the money, I’d love to just make (and consume) delicious meals and desserts and snacks constantly. Autumn especially makes me super hungry, almost like I’m preparing to hibernate, but instead, I just get fatter! ^_^
3. Speaking of which - being fat and getting more fat! I feel amazing finding new stretch marks, feeling my belly jiggle against my thighs as it starts to hang a little lower, seeing my super chubby cheeks get even rounder…I love every inch of me, and it turns me on so much to know that I’m still growing. My fetish makes me happy!
4. Cuddling with theorangemage and our stuffed animals. :3 I’ve never been anywhere that I’ve felt safer or more loved than in bed with my Noodle’s arms around me. He’s incredible, beautiful, and so important to me. I love you sweetie! ♥
5. Autumn! Gray rainy chilly days, bright sunny colorful days, all the decorations and smells and flavors and pumpkins! It makes me feel more alive.
6. Super-soft long-sleeved shirts/sweaters. I’ve always felt beautiful and so comfy in them. =]
7. Tumblr friends that I don’t talk to that much but still mean a lot to me (there are so many of you! I love you!)
8. Hugs. Especially long ones.
9. Pictures and videos of cute animals.
11. Nerdfighteria, the Green brothers, and decreasing worldsuck (DFTBA!)
12. The Eiffel Tower
13. learning new science things!
14. the breakfast scene from Casper (the 1995 movie.)
15. WTNV! =]
(this got pretty difficult toward the end, my life is boring and I’m honestly just not that happy a person most of the time because mental illness is a hell of a happiness thief. but I tried! If you want to do it, go ahead!)
For the last week, I’ve been waking up between 4 & 5 hours after I go to bed, and having weird dreams about work. I feel mostly rested. But today I have the worst motherfucking cramps, the kind that just feels like a stabbing sharpness in my ovaries. :/ PCOS periods are hellish.
But I’m suddenly reminded that I was preemptively taking care of myself - there’s a pint of Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream in the freezer.I have tomorrow off. I can start my month of horror/Halloween movies a day early! I really need to clean so I can decorate better, though. And I think I’m making Walnut Pesto and Spinach Calzones for lunch tomorrow. Maybe because I have so many things I need/want to do, my brain is trying to keep me going on minimal sleep. Blugh.
I follow a bunch of people that I care for a lot and would love to call a friend but then I remember that I suck at actually letting people know that’s how I feel so I can’t really call them friends. =/
I’m working in the cash office now.
I touched more money in cash yesterday than I will make in the next 3 1/2 years combined.
I had AMAZING technically-morning sex, and now I’m eating pizza and wings and watching The Craft. I can feel it being a great night, so I hope it is. =]
I’m finally home. This last 17 hour car ride gave me the worst swollen ankles and feet I’ve ever had. =/ I think I’ll probably get my period soon, too, so that’s great. But my vacation was wonderful! After I recover from the car ride from hell tomorrow, I’ll post a lot more pictures and start making posts again. =] Thanks for sticking with me, guys. And welcome to everyone new! <3
Alternately, check out how beautiful this photo filter makes my eyes look. Holy shit.